My Secret to a Happy Life

I was once told by my parents that, when I was born, my first wail inspired whoops and rejoicing.  Some say there are few things in life more joyous than birth.

I think that those emotions are what should guide us as we live our lives as adults as well.  That we should aim to leave this world feeling happy and fulfilled.  That way, when others learn that we have died, their tears will be of joy rather than sadness.

Lately, I am grateful that I have learned some simple life rules I can follow to ensure that I too will lead a life that benefits both me and those around me.

The first rule is to maintain perspective. As theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking states; "we live on a small planet, which circles a very ordinary star, somewhere on the edge of a galaxy that is just one galaxy among hundreds of billions".  

To me, he is saying that we need to get some perspective - don't take things so seriously.

At first, I thought I needed to delve into the depths of my psyche to achieve this. As it turns out, I was able to begin my new direction in life in a very practical manner.

For instance, when I arrived at work one morning, someone entering the building in front of me didn't hold the door open for me as I approached it.  In the past, a minor offense like this was enough to spur negative thoughts about how nobody respects me.  

Now my perspective has shifted and I realize that none of this has anything to do with me.  Most likely, that person was just absent minded or in a bad mood.  I don't pay it any mind and just go about my day with all the optimism I can muster. Instead of stewing in my own fury, I let my goodwill toward others shine out.

My other rule is Self Discipline. Practicing it helped me live a happier life. I found that when I was disciplined, my life became easier.  

There's good reason for this.  Life often means fighting your way through difficulties no matter how tricky they seem.  

I can imagine what would happen if I gave up on my friends as soon as I had a disagreement with them.  I'm sure that, before long, I'd have no friends, which would make my life even more difficult.

On the other hand, I found out that if I was self-disciplined enough to stick with my friends and talk through difficulties with them, not only did I learn much along the way, but I'll get to keep the friends, too.

Your Singular Priority

We all desire more time to do the things that matter most to us. It seems impossible to carve out time to get after those goals. Work, family commitments, housework and social events seem to take up every waking hour. It leaves very little time for us to dedicate to our personal development.

The trick is finding time for the activities you find meaningful and it’s all about maximizing our efficiency both at work and outside of work. If we can do that, we would be amazed to discover how much you can fit in an average day!

Most of us divide time into separate parts. There’s the time we devote to do the things we want to do — mostly work. After that’s done, we get to enjoy our “free time”, or that’s how the thinking goes.

The point is that the very concept of “free time” is false.

In reality, we’re already free to do whatever we want with our time. What we have are the hours of the day when we’re not sleeping. If we want to start getting the most out of our time, we should be thinking about all our waking hours.

One of the key points about time management is learning to prioritize and beat procrastination.

Prioritizing is not easy. Often there is an overwhelming of possibilities or that long to-do list we carry around in our head, and there are distractions at every turn. The more we attempt to get done, the easier it is to not do anything.

The human brain is not good at multitasking. It works best when we prioritize just one task.

Procrastination is closely related to poor prioritization.

Our brains aren’t really equipped to deal with multiple tasks at the same time. If we ask it to focus on several commitments, it will end up losing the focus entirely. The best the brain can do is rapidly switch from one task to the next. However, this solution can lead to tiredness and distraction. You probably know this from the last time you tried to do it.

Your best bet to try to get something important done is to tune out all distractions; what you need is concentration. This way, you’ll have a good few hours to focus on nothing but the task at hand.

We often talk about our priorities in the plural. After the 1900’s people stopped talking about “their priority” in the singular.

Setting one priority for the day ahead helps us focus on our most important commitments.

Getting down to the important things is all about making them our priority — singular. So take another look at that to-do list and ask yourself if it’s possible to edit it. You may just have a clearer sense of the task you need to start focusing on right now!

Let Your Inner Child Out To Play!

There’s a certain wonder in childhood that is easily forgotten as we grow up. They say a child has wonderment in their heart because they have not learned to hold back and they want to experience everything.

I watched a child eat bread recently. He went straight for the center and picked out the soft part with his hands then threw the crust out to one side. No doubt most parents find that kind of behavior quite annoying.

There’s actually a lot to be said for children’s unapologetic delight for what gives them the most joy.

It got me thinking that, as adults, we should imitate children so we can relearn to love life.

When I think of all the energy that goes to waste doing things I hate — whether it’s paying bills, organizing drawers, doing laundry, filling out tax forms or just worrying. These are the things that drain the fun out of life.

Of course some of these things have to be done, but that doesn’t mean we should invest any more than the absolute minimum of attention in them.

The strategy I’ve been using for shifting my focus away from the drudgery of these mundane tasks is to remind myself of what I actually like to do.

If we are struggling to remember what it is we enjoy, we should take a little inspiration from children. We should reconnect with our inner child. Eating ice cream, riding a bicycle, dressing up or playing with pets are all activities we can enjoy no matter our age.

We should be mindful of another aspect when it comes to enjoying our lives: we have to take good care of our bodies.

It’s interesting to note that, in ancient Rome, people were well aware that a healthy mind was only possible if the body was healthy too. We seem to have lost touch with that awareness. It still holds true today, especially if we want to enjoy life.

Most importantly, of course, if our body is healthy, we are much more likely to live longer.

A Harvard University study looked at the lives of 18,000 of their graduates, paying attention to how exercise featured in their lives. The study concluded that for each hour of exercise people undertook, they added an average of three hours to their life span.

We should use exercise to take care of our body. It doesn’t have to be extreme. Just a regular walk outside or on a treadmill will take us a long way.

They say that a child sees magic. Don’t we all want to feel that way? I do. We should never lose that wonder and eagerness about life.

Rainy Days and ... Inspiration?

Rainy days, Mondays, umbrellas and weathermen have been around since the early stages of human history.

Nowadays we have weather satellites orbiting our planet so we can figure out when it will rain. And when it does, we have waterproof jackets to keep us dry.

There is a long history about the way we protect ourselves from the rain. It seems almost every culture has created its own methods for staying dry. The humble umbrella, for example, is recorded in almost every early civilization.

The earliest known umbrella is found in an eighth century tomb in the ancient city of Gordion in Turkey. Egyptians developed their own umbrellas too. Three thousand years ago, Assyrians created a collapsible version.

What’s interesting is that none of these umbrellas were made of waterproof fabric. Scottish chemist Charles Macintosh was responsible for the emergence of waterproof material in the eighteenth century. They named the Macintosh raincoat after him and without his inventions we wouldn’t have the Gore-Tex fabric we all know and love today.

The capital of Iceland, Reykjavik, has the most authors in the world. Coincidentally, it has one of the highest average cloud coverage and chances of rain. You think there’s a connection?

Quite possibly!! Rain is a common source of inspiration for popular musicians, artists, writers and filmmakers. The gloomy weather may just have a hand in it!

The number of poems that include the word “rain” attests to the fact that many poets and writers have looked to rain for inspiration. I love the idea of rain. I think it’s beautiful, and comforting too!

Hundreds of retailers have marketed their beauty products with the rain motifs. The relaxing, refreshing qualities of rain fit perfectly for our household chores and pampering.

Let’s not forget that humanity has relied on rain as a life source since the very beginning. We have been watching, measuring, praying for and predicting rain in every civilization.

While storms and destructive weather have frightened us, rain has mystified and inspired us.

The Transformative Power of Struggle

 This is NOT something you’re gonna want to hear. We are ALL going to struggle in this life. It is a guarantee that you will suffer. That you will cry a lot and curl up into a ball. It is guaranteed that you will want to run away from that struggle.

It may surprise you to know that perseverance through all of that struggle will help you find your purpose in life. It will give you your meaning, your wholeness, your happiness. It will help you reach your full potential.

Stop a minute and consider the struggle a butterfly has to go through to get to the point of absolute beauty. It starts out as a caterpillar and lives in a cocoon. In the cocoon it digests itself and breaks down every single one of it’s enzymes. During this process, a transformation occurs. You cannot interrupt this process until it is fully complete so patience and perseverance are vital.

When we are faced with adversity and we don’t face the fears of what we’re actually going through, we’re not going to be able to truly get through it and become that beautiful butterfly.

It is important for us to know when we are in the cocoon of struggle and take the necessary steps to come out of it.

Struggle has a way of showing us that many of the “petty” everyday things don’t really matter.

Just like the caterpillar, many of us are forced into “cocoons” of learning so we can emerge into beautiful “butterflies” ourselves.

“Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when lived for others — Helen Keller

Take Helen Keller — deaf and blind. How can she say that? She is the picture of suffering. She lived in suffering for all of her life. But yet, she saw that there was a purpose, that there was much more to life and that you can absolutely get through whatever you’re going through whether you feel like you are worth it or not. You are worth it to one person and you can be for somebody else.

Perseverance and grit are the keys to all of this. And every single one of us has it. Perseverance must finish its work until you get to your ultimate purpose. You cannot cut a cocoon open before its time or there will be no butterfly.

It’s important to know that we are supposed to be in that moment of struggle as long as you are looking forward.

“What the caterpillar calls The End, the world calls a butterfly”

What are the struggles you are going through right now? Have you faced it? Maybe you’ve faced it and can use it for something much greater.

I know it sucks to look at trouble in the eye, but today I challenge you to do it. You will see something great will come out of it.

One Writer's Journey

 My friends and family all agree I’ve had a rough life. That I’m a strong person. That not everyone can deal with everything life has thrown at me. I disagree.

Soon after migrating to the U.S. as a young child, I became a lover of words and the English language as soon as I was able to read. To this day, nothing has the power to move me as words do. Reading became my escape, and fiction my first love. It has kept me company and moved me through my darkest days.

I never majored in any of the creative language arts. Like millions of creative people all around the world, I grew up with a constant reminder that getting a “good education” and finding a “serious job” was the only path that led to happiness. But I never stopped reading and I never stopped dreaming. I developed a deep admiration for the authors I read but never considered myself talented enough to write something that anyone would want to read.

After a short, failed marriage at the age of nineteen that resulted in physical abuse, I met the husband which I was fortunate enough to love for thirty-two years to follow. It was, by all accounts, a successful marriage till death, by way of cancer, did us part.

We worked together, owned, and operated two successful businesses, owned several properties, travelled the world and went through hardships. I gained a stepdaughter and two wonderful grandchildren. Except for the grieving when my husband was gone, I have no complaints there.

I became a widow. I realized that, when it comes to grief, some people don’t know what to say so they either avoid you or just don’t say anything at all. During this time I felt compelled to write but I couldn’t come up with words that would make sense to anyone. I am one of the fortunate ones who found another widow friend to confide in and learn to face life on my own.

Life breaks us and puts us back together. Two years after my husband’s passing, I had the innegable experience of being face to face with a stranger whom I recognized from a previous life and, to this day, believe he is my soulmate. Although we have never seen each other again, we have kept in touch as friends and I am confident that we will meet again. At the time, I wanted to write this story but I decided to wait until I had an ending.

A year later I embarked on a 14 day journey on foot across the north of Spain called Camino de Santiago. I walked alone through woods and across fields and had time to think and face all my demons at once. I was given the gift of time and space for my thoughts to wander at will. It was during this journey that I realized I had a story in me if I just asked “What if?” …and let my imagination run wild. After all, ideas are rather mystical things that hang around in the air waiting for someone to use them.

During this era of spirituality, I’ve been on a journey of self love and discovery. A time in my life devoted to the rediscovery of my inner child. The child who lived in a book and found all the answers there. A child who reads and writes about Mindfulness, Manifestation, Quantum physics, and fiction (of course).

As a big birthday approached, now in the last quarter of my life built by the consequences of many choices, I get to thinking about all that has transpired in the last 60 years and the impermanence of human existence. I dove into the notes I had scribbled on the pages of infinite notebooks, wrote my first story and posted it on Medium.

Three months and 30+ stories later, with the constant support of the Medium community, its publications, my friends on social media and beyond, I have more than 200 followers and a book ready for publication.

I suppose there is some level of emotional resilience involved. Nonetheless, I keep moving forward unencumbered by all the pain in the past. I gave myself permission to create no matter how afraid I am of failure. Admittedly, it’s taken me a while but the point is I’m finally doing it. And I don’t think I’m going to stop. Ever. Not even rejection can stand in my way!

Dare To Be Resilient

Why sugarcoat it — to say that 2020 has been a challenging year for all of us would be an understatement. All of us have faced unexpected adversities and disappointments in the past few months.

But here’s the thing: we are a highly adaptable species. Our ability to rebound from setbacks and keep moving forward is what we humans are known for. Fortunately, resilience is something you can build up though small steps that have a big impact.

In theory, we know that failing is a key part of life, but when we are in the middle of a tough time, we can lose sight of this truth. To really understand this message, it would help to make it concrete and think about the positive results of your past mistakes or setbacks. Doing this will build up your resilience and make it easier for you to bounce back from failures in the future.

“Grief and resilience live together” — Michelle Obama, Becoming

Resilience isn’t only key to maintaining stability, but it’s also key to creating success.

Even more than talent, resiliency is shared by the world’s most successful people. Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team before becoming one of the greatest players of all time.

People who possess a “growth mindset” think of difficult times as a learning process, in which they can improve their abilities. People with a “fixed mindset” believe they are stuck with the abilities they already have, and no amount of practice will help this.

Thomas Edison conducted thousands of failed experiments before he invented the lightbulb.

Psychologist Barbara Fredrickson discovered that for a person to “flourish”, or have high levels of mental well-being, they need to experience about three positive emotions to neutralize just one negative emotion.

This means you cannot be slightly more positive than negative — you really have to tilt the tables.

Walt Disney was once fired by his newspaper editor for his supposed lack of imagination and good ideas.

What’s really important is that you shouldn’t let a few bumps discourage you from your dreams. Adversity is just an inevitable part of your journey to success. Resilience is the ability to bounce back from setbacks and keep going. It is a key determinant of success.

Living Intentionally Vs. Living Accidentally

Unfortunately, most people don’t believe you can live any way you want. They don’t believe you can shape your direction or change your present working and living situations.

On the surface, it looks like there are lots of reasons. But if you look deeper you’ll find that we all have 2 basic modes of operation that are responsible for the difference.

“Proactive Mode” and “Reactive Mode”

“Proactive Mode” looks like this — you are in control. You use your time, energy, imagination, and creativity to solve strategically-selected, high-priority problems.

For some reason, I relate “proactive” with “doomsday prepper” and I can’t help but laugh.

To be honest, being really good at using a bow and arrow like Katniss in The Hunger Games would be pretty cool!

The proactive mode would mean preparedness on a day-to-day, week-to-week, month-to-month basis. If you are running your own business it would mean you have to live connected to the details and be future-minded. You would be juggling the short term plan and the long term plan.

“Reactive Mode” would be the alternative. This is when life happens to you. It’s when conditions around you dictate how you need to live and what you spend your time on.

Most people spend most of their time between these two modes.

Reactive living is the default. It’s like an autopilot that hasn’t been programmed well. Like a GPS with an incomplete map and an unclear destination. A ship without a rudder. We all have way too much re-active living go on. And that is usually the reason we feel like we are living small, powerless lives.

In business, it can be really easy to become reactionary and respond primarily to what is directly in front of us, rather than employ some of our creativity, genius, or high-quality attention to being proactive.

The reality is that we are trading time for money, and we need to change that. Every time we take a break, we feel we are turning off the “faucet” of revenue — we are trying to figure out what kind of “loss” we are going to experience in our time off. Our muscles are so addicted to doing the work that they don’t feel ‘right’ taking a break.

It’s true that you can’t live in a proactive mode in all areas of your life, all the time. We only have so much time and attention to use. So you need to select the areas that are most important to you and focus your pro-activity towards them.

We should be working in order to live, not living to work. We need time to regroup, dream, idealize, strategize, and breathe!

Learning how to become proactive instead of reactive can be a major shift that changes everything for you. It’s the difference between living life intentionally and living life accidentally.