What is Toxic Positivity?

 

A label that makes no sense

I recently heard a podcast that demystified this “spiritual word”. These days it seems like the western world is obsessed with clinical terms to describe people. People love to diagnose themselves, especially on Instagram — creating labeling, judgement and separation as a result.

The term actually makes no sense. In 2021, there has been a lot of labeling and name calling on social media. This is causing people to pull back from posting their joyous moments. It is preventing people from shining their fullest light.

What does this term actually mean? It doesn’t make sense to me at all. There is nothing toxic about positivity. In fact, every spiritual practice is based on gratitude and positivity. Even if you don’t believe that, there are hundreds of scientific studies that have proven the benefits of a positive outlook on your health, your longevity and your overall quality of life. In fact, positivity is the least toxic thing that you can do.

Sadly, there are many that want to share their life, their joy, their gatherings, singing, dancing and connecting on social media but they don’t share because they are afraid people will call them a “toxic positive”. That one term that someone made up one day may well have created a social media phenomenon.

In fact, song, dance community, connecting to the earth and connecting to our ancestors are sacred practices. Our joy is sacred. There is nothing toxic about it. We should never let anyone who saw it on social media tell us that our joy should be hidden to make other people feel comfortable. Spiritual practices say that our natural state is bliss. We are joy. Look at any child and you will see it in their eyes, in their essence.

We have just forgotten. We have created a self-demeaning culture where we have to hide our joy, our bliss, our positivity to make others who are stuck in their fear and are addicted to their suffering, feel better about their choices.

Suffering is a choice just as is joy. Being positive doesn’t mean that you haven’t dealt with trauma or aren’t even dealing with heavy circumstances at this time. It means that you are remaining optimistic despite it. You see your traumas as part of your gifts, your mess as part of your message. It just means you are alive.

Being positive even when you are in the midst of the denser emotions brings you healing. Emotions are not the end-they are a temporary experience.

People are not joyful because they are more privileged than you. They are joyful because they chose to be. They cultivate daily practices to cultivate more joy. Some of the most joyful people in the world are some of the most resource poor and some of the least joyful people in the world have been the most resource rich.

Positivity is the light that brings us through the darkness. We’ve seen a positive outlook bring people through the holocaust, homelessness, and countless other atrocities.

Let us stop labeling other people’s joys, harmony, gratitude as “toxic positive” just because it may not by your current experience.

How To Successfully Live Alone Over 60

 

Friends are the antidote for loneliness

A lot of women, young and old, are dealing with living by themselves. In fact, there are more older people living alone in the U.S. than anywhere else in the world. Most of the ones I know, myself included, say they love it. They can get so much done, make their own rules, do their own thing. Most of them are good without a “significant other” in their lives as well.

That is true to an extent. Everyone who says that, including myself, also accepts that it’s really nice to have some company now and then. It’s important to have a community — even if it’s virtual — a place where you can go and share your thoughts and feel like you’re not by yourself. Even in the moments of appreciation for your own company, you like to have people around you.

Relocation, illness and retirement are common events in later life requiring a conscious effort to rebuild a social network. Face-to-face friendships do matter. It’s important to have a hug now and then as well as a real human being looking at you in the eyes and saying “how are you doing?”. Time alone is essential to our well-being but so is company and having friends.

Personally speaking, I like having friends. I think it’s in our DNA to talk about things and enjoy conversation.

You die alone, philosophers say, but you could die sooner if you live your life in loneliness. There are a lot of statistics that support that loneliness is a big problem and that social isolation is creating health issues for people around the world. This is true, but there is a big difference between loneliness and aloneness.

Loneliness can lead to anxiety, discontent, sadness and depression. On the other hand, aloneness can give you a sense of freedom, openness and expansiveness that you don’t get when you’re living with someone you’re not happy with or surrounded by people who don’t lift you up.

When we live by ourselves, we have time to think, reflect and be creative. When we are energized, we are more likely to go out and engage with other people in a social environment.

When you travel alone, try to stay at hostels or small boutique hotels. This way, you’re not just a person behind a door. It helps us to not worry so much about what other people think of us. We are self-contained. We know the triggers that upset us.

It’s important that, even when we’re home alone, we disconnect. Turn off the TV and computer and just absorb the reality of solitude. We tend to fill up time when we’re alone but it’s important to disconnect.

Get up early. Use the early hours of the day to get things done at home so you have time to do things out in the world. Use your knowledge and your power to meet other people and build your community.

We owe it to ourselves to be comfortable with who we are, especially as we get older. We can still be connected to our families and the people we love but our time is our time.

Studies show that relationships are the key to healthy aging, especially cultivating younger friends for their energy and fresh perspective — not to mention their ability to help us out with technology!

Is Romance a Thing of the Past?

 

Are we settling for the “fast food” version?

What is it with young people these days? I don’t see romance between them.

When I think of romance I think of a couple walking in the park holding hands, roses given just because, dinners held by candlelight, and love letters written to show affection. Lately I don’t see these put into practice except in the fantasy world of TV, fairy tales, and other media.

When I asked a young friend, she tells me those gestures are now usually considered sweet, but corny and impractical. In fact, today romance movies are labeled as “chick-flicks” and often disregarded as unrealistic stories that could never happen in real life. Most romantic novels are now labeled as “chick-lit”.

The youth say romance still exists — just not in the way you see it on TV or in the movies. They believe the meaning of romance is defined by each individual. To some it is that thing that makes you smile because you feel appreciated- the little things in life that take your breath away. They argue that these new ideas of romance are more genuine than past ideals because they are not constructed by society.

According to spiritual teacher and mystic, Matt Kahn, we are all going to experience romance in our lifetimes in varying and incredible ways.

We don’t see couples writing each other love notes by hand. The love notes have turned into simple texts in the morning. We don’t see couples walking hand in hand in the park. Instead they are walking each other to class. Are we making our own statements of love? It’s true that love is an action word. If what you do has no originality behind it, you should ask yourself if it is really that special.

Romance has transformed over time, and the meaning of it has changed.

According to Webster’s dictionary, Romantic is defined as “an adjective that pertains to something that is fanciful; fabulous or given to sentimental or amorous feelings’.” Are we settling for the “fast food” version of love and romance? It seems the dating scene has come down to “picking up” a guy/girl for the night, nothing more, nothing less or “ordering” a guy/girl on one of the dating sites. What happened to courting, you know, the “getting to know you”? The romance.

It looks like the romance we once knew is dead. I like to think it still does exist; perhaps just slightly modified.

Romance is the fanciful experience of an ideal that centers itself in imaginational settings of shared closeness. I just don’t see the love stories portrayed in books and movies in everyday relationships. Maybe romance is anything you feel is romantic to both of you. Maybe there is no right or wrong answer.

What Are You REALLY Hungry For?

 

Feed yourself your dreams.

My friend Geena always had a deep and insatiable hunger. I used to believe that it was for food. Now I know that it was for life.

It seems all her life, she has struggled with food and feeling “at home” in her body. She has spent what seems like a lifetime trying to satisfy a hunger that never seems to be satisfied.

This expressed itself as an emptiness that she endlessly tried to fill. She struggled with emotional, compulsive eating and her life became an endless calorie count and chaotic eating, adding up the points and indulging in “allowable” sins or treats.

Every Monday morning she began another diet and promised herself that she would be good. And every Monday evening she berated herself because she had been “bad”. She seemed to live her life between those two polar opposites and judged herself accordingly. If she had been “good”, she would have a great day, and if not, she didn’t even want to leave the house.

What she failed to realize at the time was that this wasn’t about food, it was about the fact that her Soul was hungry. In fact, it was starving. Instead of feeding her Soul what she wanted in terms of feeling fabulous about herself and living a life that she truly desired, she fed herself food as a substitute and attempted to alleviate her innermost dreams and desires.

What she really wanted was to feel free with her choices, enjoy good health, and feel free of “rules” or “shoulds”.

As a collective, our relationship with food has changed dramatically. It is no longer a way to nourish, replenish and satisfy our body, food has become a way to deal with boredom, escape from our feelings and calm our anxiety. It is actually easier to pick up a pastry than a pen!

We may say to ourselves, “Who am I to write that book, start a new relationship, climb that mountain?”. And yet, who are we NOT to? When we ignore these inner dreams or creative ideas we begin to feel hungry for something that food cannot ever fulfill.

The courage to be authentic is at the core of every hunger we have. The question is, will we feed ourselves the things that we are really hungry for, or will we try to placate our passion with another piece of pie?

Unless we seek to understand and really connect with what will sustain and satisfy all of who we are, we will always go hungry.

My friend desires to live her life allowing herself to be full of all the things that she loves. She wants to consume the things that make her feel loved, radiant, beautiful, sensual, wild, and free. She wants to “romance” her body with a life that lights up her Soul.

She says she spent many years of her precious life trying to subdue the whispers of her heart that desired excitement at just being alive. She has grown weary of trying to fit into a society that didn’t prize the sheer magnificence of every human being.

Once she began to connect with what she truly desired to feel, have and experience in her life, her relationship with food began to change. She no longer desired to eat a package of cookies or a half-gallon of ice cream because she knew that, deep down, it wouldn’t satisfy her. What she truly desired would still be there long after she had eaten all of the stuff she didn’t really want.

She tells me that the saying “we are what we eat” should be “we eat what we are”. When you know who you are and what you desire to have and experience in your life, your food choices begin to reflect this.

I’m so proud of my friend. Today, she looks beautiful and truly radiant.

The next time you feel hungry, ask yourself what you are authentically hungry for and if it is food you are searching for or something else.

Then decide what you will bring to the banquet of YOUR life!

How To Become A Non-Conformist

 

Breaking free from the shackles of an average life.

I would love to live an autonomous and fulfilling life. However, sometimes I ask myself the nagging question, “Is this all there is?” According to the experts, this is a clear indication that I’m insulating myself from greatness.

Quite often I hold myself back from achieving this by being unclear about what I want from life. Sometimes I’m afraid of making the necessary changes to my daily existence.

It’s unfortunate that most people don’t know what they want from life. They seem to meander around without a larger life goal. Like a ship without a rudder.

Most sit at a desk for 40 hours a week, for an average of 10 hours of productive work, while getting the largest mortgage they qualify for and spend 30 years paying it off.

Playing it safe holds us back from achieving greatness in our lives.

Making a serious decision about what you want out of life can change your life for the better, catalysing your chances of living a fulfilled life.

When I catch myself wondering if there’s more to life, I need to start to think hard about what it is I want to get out of it.

Taking a leap that will change my life could be very frightening. I’ll have to fight those voices in my head that say “you’re not good enough”. I’ll have to mentally prepare myself as this will increase the odds of successfully conquering my fears.

In order to do this, I can link my achievements with rewards. This usually works as a great motivator for me. I can promise myself a reward for conquering my fear and this should make this difficult process more appealing.

Once I’ve figured out my life goals, I’ll need an army of followers to help me along. For instance, as a writer, I’ll need the support of fans and patrons. To recruit my small army, I’ll need to think carefully about how I can help people get what they want. People will follow me only if my work helps them in some way.

If my work inspires and uplifts people, I’ll be on the right track to recruiting my army.

I’ve realized that having more money doesn’t automatically make me happier. It’s what I do with my money that counts. The key is to stick to my values. No matter how I decide to manage my money, being clear about my values is what counts. This will give me room for everything I’ve always wanted to do.

People often complain that they don’t have enough time to do what they care about in their lives. I think there’s a good chance that we can achieve anything we want. It just takes a little life planning.

Filling our days to the brim with things that we enjoy doing will greatly enrich our lives.

Make a “Life List”

Write down your idealized, perfect day and then make a list — the things you would like to do at some point in your life.

Make a “to-stop-doing list”

Stop spending time on unnecessary distractions and make a list of tasks that bring you down without giving you fulfillment or helping anyone. Try to come up with things that drain your time — tasks that can be removed without any serious repercussions . This will leave you with extra time for projects you actually enjoy.

It’s time to break free of an unfulfilled existence and find out what you really want out of life.

What can you offer the world that no one else can?

Are We Afraid Of The Silence?

 

Quiet has the power to make us nervous…

We’ve all experienced it. That uncomfortable pause in a conversation or presentation. There is a feeling akin to anxiety as the participants feel like they are under pressure to talk but are not sure what to say next.

I remember once walking with a friend and, while I really enjoyed her company, I secretly wanted her to stop being a chatter box. On the other hand she was just trying to be polite and pleasant by filling up each pause. We subconsciously wonder if we’ve somehow failed in our efforts to communicate or if we’re not important to the person next to us.

Quiet has the power to make us nervous.

Sedatephobia or ‘the fear of silence’ is becoming more common by the day and causing people to feel awkward in quiet places, like the library , or situations like pauses in conversation.

Experts say that this phobia has only surfaced within the last 50 years or so. This would suggest that we live in a much noisier world than the environment our parents and grandparents grew up in.

These days, it seems difficult to see young people walk from one place to another without having music in their ears. There’s no way to explain why so many of us rather go about our days with a constant sense of background noise. Experts are blaming the parents and grandparents who constantly left the TV on, even when no one was watching. This taught children to exist in those artificial worlds.

Silence allows us to be able to notice our thoughts. Often our thoughts are uncomfortable and uncontrollable and they occur when they are triggered by something else. Most of us prefer to not sit and notice their thoughts as they often cause stressful emotions to ensue. Sounds provide a relief.

Silence can be daunting, but there are ways to teach yourself to get comfortable with the quiet. You can face the fear head-on and practice mindfulness. Shut off the TV, mute the music, log out of social media and have a miniature hiatus in your day. When we become comfortable with our own thoughts, the quiet becomes more comfortable.

As we get older, we learn that keeping company does not mean talking endlessly. Silence at times is comforting while useless discussion can be awkward. Two or more people can enjoy being with the other without such formalities.

Try it for yourself. Quiet your mind to the silence, to nature, to the well of wisdom that is already present within you.

Living To Work Vs. Working To Live

 

Is there hope for workaholics?

Nancy walked out of her office building on yet another Wednesday evening at 8:30pm feeling guilty because her boss was still buried deep in paperwork at her desk with no signs of preparing to go home for the day. Why was she feeling guilty?

It could have something to do with her boss muttering “leaving already?” at the sight of Nancy gathering her things to leave. Nancy had been at work since 8:30am. And so had her boss. The job description did not include 12-hour work days.

This was getting to be an almost daily occurrence. Nancy worked to live — to support her family. To be able to fund the life she envisioned. As it turns out, Nancy, like her boss, was living to work. There was something wrong with that picture.

The sad part of it is that, for Nancy’s boss, this was for the long term. It was not related to a short-term burst as one would knock themselves out for a promotion or deal with the initial crisis of a pandemic. The concern here was the amount of head space, thought, energy and time she dedicates to work. She has no life.

Nancy’s boss is a workaholic — a person works compulsively. The term originates from alcoholism. She works at the cost of her sleep and social functions such as meeting friends or family. It doesn’t necessarily mean she doesn’t enjoy her work, but it can imply that she feels compelled to do it.

The causes of workaholism are thought to be anxiety, low self-esteem, and intimacy issues. In fact, workaholics tend to have an inability to delegate work tasks to others and they obtain high scores on personality traits such as neuroticism, perfectionism, and conscientiousness.

Many people, especially business leaders whose hearts and souls are invested in their businesses, work long hours. However, workaholism differs from working long hours. It is an addiction, a mental health issue like alcoholism and drug addiction. It’s a compulsion. They MUST work, not because the excess is good or enjoyable. It’s not about the quantity of the work, it’s about their inability to disengage from it.

Research reveals that those who are workaholics have more health complaints and increased risk factors for cardiovascular disease and diabetes.

One underlying potential source of the issue might be because they don’t feel good enough so they chase approval by achieving the next goal, doing the next task or being recognized for their passion and commitment. Another might be perfectionism. Trying to live up to a self-imposed standard to prove they are competent or live up to an unrealistic expectation from their boss or society. Another could be to avoid aspects of their life.

Entrepreneurs have an idea and strive to bring that to life. They create. A recovering workaholic should do this with their own life. Imagine what a balanced, successful life looks like for them. What do they want people to say about them 50 years from now? What values, relationships and impact do they want to be known for? Once they have the vision, they can start working towards it.

Professional help might be needed if Nancy’s boss is a workaholic, especially if an underlying cause of the problem that isn’t healthy has been identified. She should also ask for support from friends, family and colleagues to disengage from work and be fully present with them and in other activities.

Success at work is impossible if you are tired and risk sickness and ill health. Boundaries can be put in place in terms of amount of time working and mental rejuvenation. Commit and schedule other activities that you can get lost in. What are your dormant passions? Learn mindfulness to be less obsessive about work thoughts and worries. Put reminders in your diary throughout the day to breath down to your belly, to walk around, to leave at a certain time.

If you know a workaholic, there is hope. You can start by showing them this article.

How To Take Responsibility For Your Energy

 

The law of equal exchange

What the heck is the ‘Law of Equal Exchange’?

I’ve done a fair amount of reading and researching manifestation and the Law of Attraction. I can certainly say that there is far more to it than ‘ask and you shall receive’. At times, it can feel like really hard work and much more complicated than I bargained for.

The point here is that we each have a certain amount of energy each day and once that energy is used up, we have a hard time getting it back until we sleep — when it is replenished for another day. I have it clear that it is our responsibility to protect it and use it wisely.

Every time we interact with each other is an exchange of energy. You could be paying for something in a store or having a conversation and you’re giving away some of your energy. A lot of times it’s in small doses but, other times, it can be a significant amount.

Since everything and everyone is energy, it makes sense that there should be a balance — like on a scale. The majority of the times, this happens automatically, a transaction in a store is a fair exchange of money for goods, a two-way conversation can be considered a fair exchange provided each person has their chance to speak and is listened to.

If the Universe loves balance then this becomes a little confusing when someone takes something without giving anything else in return.

Take the case of voluntary work, donations to charity, and helping those less fortunate, for example. When you think about the person who receives the donation or benefits from the charity work or help will be grateful for the time, money or goods you offered. This gratitude becomes the exchange — even if you don’t receive the gratitude directly from them.

There are those people who ask for your advice but don’t act on it, then keep asking again and again. This feels draining and the balance feels a bit out. I like to call these people “ask holes”.

Take theft, for example. It’s a pretty obvious drain of energy but people only think about the legal consequences of it and not the energy their actions carry. In these cases, there’s karma to consider as well.

The big one in the spiritual world lately is people expecting things for free. Many spiritual people simply want to help others and they feel uncomfortable asking for payment. People sometimes expect them to give their stuff away for free. They figure if it is something they are born with and hasn’t cost them anything, why should they make money from it? They don’t see that, while it may be a gift, there is a lot of time and energy involved in doing spiritual work and this is where fair exchange comes into play.

We need to keep our energy balanced. Giving too little can be as harmful as giving too much. We should be taking a moment each day to think about the things we have that others don’t. We should be grateful for the small things and try not to take things for granted.

Sometimes I try to imagine my life without my car, cell phone, food or a place to live and I’m so grateful that I have those things.

If there is someone in your life who likes to take from you and give nothing in return, consider saying ‘no’. Always consider the balance.

Try to make sure there is fair exchange in everything you do each day. At a very basic level, ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ are an energy exchange. Manners cost very little energy but they help keep the balance.

You may find that you not only feel better but life gets better too!