A ritual is an action that connects us to something that is meaningful. Rituals can be comforting and help us express feelings and bring on a sense of closure or keep an important part of the past alive.
A ritual can mark time as well as create time. It gives us structure in a social world by signaling a beginning or an end: Baptisms, Christenings, Bat Mitzvahs, Graduations, Engagement, Marriage, Divorce, Birthdays, First Day of School, Proms, Retirement party as well as Funerals and Memorials.
At my age, loss and transitions are more common. I transitioned from a young wife, stepmother, career builder to grandmother and single. These are some of our losses. I’ve also experienced the death of friends, family, as well as those who’s presence in this world I admired — authors, celebrities and leaders.
When we create rituals around loss, we honor both ourselves and those who we remember.
There are phases to rituals of grief:
- Separation from what used to be ; “My life is now without my spouse”
- Transition from what was to what is and will be from now on — navigating the void one step at a time
- Adjusting to the ‘new’ normal — not seeing my beloved, new label (widow), living alone.
- Rituals can restore our sense of control. Loss can make us feel that our lives are out of control, filled with deep grief and chaos — out of balance.
Creating a grief ritual is not complicated. Think about what the meaning of your ritual is. It could be to bring you comfort or to create some consistency in your chaos-or even to relieve your stress. Decide when the ritual will take place — such as once a day when you wake up or go to sleep. It could be once a year on the anniversary of the event — or anytime.
The ritual can take place wherever you decide. On their favorite chair, on the beach, at a restaurant, in your place of worship, anywhere you choose. You can decide who can participate. It could be with a group or you could do it alone. It could involve drinking coffee from their mug or going to a special setting or a space that is sacred to you. It can take seconds, hours or whatever you want it to be.
A ritual not only helps you heal as you balance your emotions, it gives you and others an opportunity to remember and reflect on the loved one’s life. Doing this is essential in a healthy grieving process.
Daily rituals provide a sense of comfort and continuity. When I wake up, I use the first hour of my day to write. This is when my mind is clearest and my most creative time. After an hour, I do a simple 10-minute Yin yoga stretching routine followed by a 10-min meditation, then some arm weights for upper body strength and tone (gotta keep those ‘bat wings’ under control!). Then I make some coffee and work on my journal — especially writing down all the things I’m grateful for.
I try to make most of my day as sacred as possible, making the most out the present moment by creating a ritual out of the mundane. I try to apply meaning to my small pleasures and actions throughout the day.
Lately, I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “thank you” out loud when pleasant things happen.
The last thing I do in the day is my skin care ritual. It includes looking in the mirror and saying “thank you”, and then cleaning, exfoliating, applying toner and moisturizing my face with love, care, and awareness before going to sleep.
What you do with awareness becomes living fully in the present. Isn’t that where we all strive to exist?
Ernest Hemingway was up at around 5:30am, even if he’d been drinking the night before.
Beethoven personally counted out 60 coffee beans to make himself the strong coffee his morning cup required.
Benjamin Franklin swore by “air baths”, which was his term for sitting around naked in the morning, whatever the weather.
The ritual of the midday cocktail was a favorite of VS Pritchett (among many others of us).
Create a Ritual that you commit to once a day or anytime that brings you a smile.
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