Gaslighting - It's Not All in Your Head

 

A tactic that can dim your reality…

Imagine that you’re at a party and, as you’re talking to a friend, you notice that a couple of yards away, your partner is flirting with someone. And they’re being very obvious about it — like their hand is on the other person’s hip. You don’t want to make a scene at the party so you wait until you get back home to ask them “what was that all about?”. And then, they deny it. They say that you’re wrongly accusing them of something that, actually, you saw right in front of your eyes. Or you’re pretty sure you saw it. Actually, maybe you didn’t see it. You’re not so sure anymore. The more insecure you become, the more they insist; “I can’t believe you think I would do something like that. What kind of person do you think I am? Wow! I didn’t know you were so paranoid! You really hurt my feeling now”.

And so in the end, you find yourself apologizing, thinking ‘well, maybe I’m the one with the problem, maybe I’m being overly jealous?’ As they continue to sulk, you even apologize several times over the next days, feeling guilty for ever having questioned their commitment and their feelings for you.

Believe it or not, this actually happened to a friend of mine. And it’s called Gaslighting. She knew what she saw and, yet, she doubted herself. It was only when, by chance, someone else confirmed that it really did happen and that it wasn’t just ‘in her head’ that she was able to see how she was being controlled by her then partner.

Luckily, people are more and more aware of this type of manipulation. But sometimes, it’s not easy to recognize because gaslighters are usually very, very good at making you believe their narrative.

So, what is gaslighting? In plain terms it’s when somebody messes with your head by trying to shift your reality through the creation of confusion and doubt. You know something to be true, you’ve heard it, you’ve seen it, and they are doing their utmost best to distort your reality with a variety of different tactics. There’s misinformation, contradiction — it’s a manipulation. When our relationships are full of doubt, that is a serious red flag that something is wrong. In a gaslighting situation, somebody is benefitting from our doubt and confusion. In abusive relationships, the purpose of gaslighting is to bring you under their control.

The term “Gaslighting” refers to a 1930’s play called “Gas Light”. In the play, the main character is trying to convince his wife that she’s going insane by dimming the gas lights in their home ever so slowly while convincing her the darkening house is all in her imagination.

A very classic example of gaslighting is when a partner in a relationship is lying and cheating but denying that they are. There’s also the example of a co-worker that changes something in a piece of work but denies that they’ve done it — or asks us to make changes and when we do them and then they turn around and state that they’ve never asked you to do that. Even though, actually, you are the victim, they shift the focus to you being the problem — to the point where you actually forget that their behavior was a problem at all. You may end up apologizing for something you haven’t done.

If you are dealing with somebody who you suspect is prone to gaslighting activities, it’s a good idea to get into the habit of sticking to facts. This would make it far more likely to make them move on to another target. This is especially effective if you are dealing with this type of person in the workplace. Make sure that you have a trail and a follow-up system and that you can confirm information in detail. They will realize that they can’t mess with you because you are not willing to allow them to hijack your reality.

No matter how much you like a certain person and enjoy being with them, if when there is a problem, they react by denying it, by refusing to acknowledge the impact of what they’ve done, by shifting the focus or by calling you names- then you know you need to step away.

It’s important to note that gaslighters are not always necessarily evil people who are consciously trying to mess around with your head. Sometimes its just people who, in their inability to be honest with themselves, can’t be honest with us.

Do not allow anyone in your life to convince you that gaslighting is the way to go. Instead of spending time doubting yourself (‘maybe I should be more this or less that’), flush them out of your life, and fast.