The Gift of The Present

 

The past is about regret and the future is about worry — all we have is now…

The past is gone. You might want to relive it, or you might regret it, but one thing is certain — you can’t change it. The future might inspire us, or it might frighten us. You can plan for it, but you cannot act in it.

The one place you can act is the present moment. Everything that you will create, everything that you will accomplish in life, hinges upon what you think and do each moment. If you can be your best in the moment, instead of regretting the past or worrying about the future, then life can really open up to you.

The past is where regret comes alive. The future is where worry hangs out. When we’re in anxiety, all we can think of is what might happen in the future.

When we talk about the moments when we feel most connected with our lives, they are generally moments when we’ve done some slowing down, some sort of quiet empty stillness when we are just here, in this moment. We are not worried about our inbox, or Friday night’s plans, or that your kid is going to spill something. Most of life, our brain is in all these different places at the same time.

Modern life throws lot of pressures and distractions at us. So getting present “in the moment” is really hard. If we apply some techniques that have been around for thousands of years and work with the rituals of the world, we can start to connect, at a deeper level, with what we’re doing.

These techniques involve routine, ritual and rhythm. Whatever type of work you do, there is an art to it. There is an art to being a Mom, to being a salesperson, to being a writer or a trash collector. Many people in the modern world have lost this. But the physical setting, the tools and equipment that you use are part of how you do your work in the world.

Your physical environment affects your interior life -if you have too much clutter, if your car is filled with trash. There is a deep connection with your sense of peace, your sense of who you are and what you’re doing on a daily basis. Begin with the basic stuff and get rid of all the clutter at your desk so that it’s a clean space. When you sit down, you can clearly see what you do and appreciate that it matters. Bringing some order to our work space sets the tone.

We might feel the pressure to hustle 24/7, but nature tells us to do something different and, if we listen, we might be surprised at the results. There is a rhythm built in to creation. If we go every day, all day, never off, phone always on, always working, always answering emails, always answering text and never taking a break, we are violating the fundamental rhythms of creation.

For thousands of years, people have understood that a rhythm of work and rest and play, sleep and then being awake are rhythms that make you pay if you violate them.

Despair is when you look into the future and all you see is an endless repeat of work. We need to be liberated from despair.

Take a day a week and treat it different from all the other days. Turn off your cell phone. Ask yourself what feeds your soul — go do that. It’s shocking how much it can transform your life. As soon as you start to do one day different than the others, you will begin to get so much more done in so much less time. When you switch off for a bit, you might even get more done.

For many people in the modern world — you’re here, you’re there, you’re all over the place. You rarely feel like you’re actually tasting the depth of your own life. If we want to be the best version of ourselves, we have to respect nature’s rhythms and take some time away from work sometimes.

Give yourself the gift of finding the craft in whatever you do, embrace rituals and respect the rhythms that connect nature, the world and you.

WHY WE'RE BEING GHOSTED AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT

 

A serious issue for social animals that need each other…

Ghosting is a slang term for the practice of cutting off all communication without an explanation. These days, it extends to many things. Most of us think about it in the context of “digital departure” as in a friend not responding to a text, or worse, a lover. The term originated in the early 2000s, referring to dating and romantic relationships. During the following decade, it has expanded to refer to similar situations among friends, family members, employers and businesses. It happens across all social situations and it is tied to the way we view the world.

When we engage with social media or our cell phones, a chemical called Dopamine is released. It’s what makes us feel good. Dopamine is the same chemical that is released in our bodies when we find something we’re looking for — like your keys, when you go on Google, when you hit the goal or win the game — that sense of joy.

We know that we get a hit of Dopamine when our phones go buzz, bing, flash or beep. That’s why, if you’re feeling a little bit down, you pull out out your phone and you send 10 texts to 10 friends just saying “hi” and you hope that somebody texts you back because when they do, it feels GOOD.

There are other things that release Dopamine ( alcohol, nicotine , gambling). Almost all addictions are Dopamine based addictions. Ironically, we have age restrictions on alcohol, age restrictions on tobacco and gambling. But we have no age restrictions on social media or cell phones. It’s as if an entire generation has been allowed to throw open the liquor cabinet and encouraged to try the vodka to help them get through the teenage years. That’s what social media and cell phones do.

As a result, that connection is becoming hard-wired for too many people. As they grow up and face significant stress in their lives, instead of turning to a person, they turn to a device where they seek solace in social media, where they’ll check an Instagram post and how many likes we’re getting. Sometimes our own self worth is in how many followers we have. It can become devastating to us when somebody unfollows us. It seems an entire generation has grown up not having tactics or coping mechanisms for stress.

There is an entire generation that is growing up with lower self-confidence, going into a work force, having their self-image shattered, not knowing how to deal with all the stress that they’re facing when growing up and starting a career and finding out where they fit in. Instead of turning to a person, we’re turning to devices. They are not learning through a “journey”. As a result, this entire generation has an institutionalized sense of impatience. They are lacking the patience to go on the journey to maintain love, to feel fulfilled. Our swiping culture makes it easier than ever. They just swipe and on to the next. GHOST and on to the next.

Ghosting means the lack of skill to have a confrontation. To date somebody for six months, eight months, and then just stop replying. Just delete them from everything. For the person who’s doing the ghosting it’s certainly easier than a confrontation. For the person who is receiving the ghosting, it’s like there’s a death. They’re suddenly shunned, there’s panic, they call out, they’re worried. They think it’s you. They think it’s them. They take prescription anxiety medication.

We reap destruction on people by ghosting them. It’s because there is the lack of social skills to call out and ask for help, they internalize and it makes them feel awful to the point that many have killed themselves. Ghosting has been described by some mental health professionals as a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse or cruelty.

At the worst, they will go through life where “everything’s fine” — friendships are fine, work is fine, same old, same old. A kind of “numbing down” of society. Nothing is ever amazing. And the scavenger hunt continues.

What to do if you’re being ghosted? Some say the best plan is to face reality. It looks like this person has no character and chose easy over integrity. It means they are inconsiderate and don’t care much about the impact or consequences of their actions.

Allow yourself to feel your feelings. No matter what you feel, it’s all valid. Amp up your self-care and avoid dwelling on it. It is not advisable to contact them but do seek someone to talk about it with. Try not to isolate yourself and get back into life, plan activities with friends to avoid overthinking and anxiety.

It may take time and effort but closure is the best gift you can give yourself.

Change Your Mind Change Your Life

Read short and uplifting articles here to help you shift…

Using the Mindful Movement as an Antidote to Stress

 

Give yourself a gift for the upcoming holidays…

Inspiration is difficult to come by these days, but it isn’t completely gone. I find myself to be in a constant pursuit of inspiration to enjoy life.

Experts say that the key to relieving stress is to tune in to what is happening in your body and calming your nervous system. The Mindful Movement is about making this possible. This is what the expression “put your own oxygen mask on first,” and the “buzzphrases” self-care and me time are about.

The Mindful Movement focuses on combining that tuning in process with gentle physical activity and breathing for full mind-body relaxation. It’s all about noticing how you feel when you are moving — being aware of the sensations in your body. This kind of moving is not about the outcome but to bring awareness to your body without judgement.

I’ve found this to be a lovely way to focus on my body and connect to my breath to lower stress levels. It is supported by research proving that the impact of mindfulness reduces stress and anxiety while increasing overall happiness.

I encourage you to give this a try during the during the emotional and physical demands of the upcoming holiday season. It only takes a few minutes a day and will make a big difference. During the rest of the year, you’ll find that it will help with stressful deadlines at work and the chaos of family schedules.

Why not make a new year goal to embrace mindfulness in your life and create a mindful movement routine for yourself? It only requires setting a separate time from your fitness routine to have a clear intention for the outcome.

Consistency is key here. Choose the length of time to devote to mindfulness each day. It can be 5 minutes or 30 minutes but try to do it every day.

It’s important to trust the process — a mindfulness routine takes practice and you will get used to it when you stick with it. The more you practice, the deeper the impact of your mindful movement will be.

The best way to calm your nervous system is to breathe. Be sure to do it slowly and with long exhales. Yoga aims at enhancing the energy that flows through the body with the benefits of breathing. I like to use 10 minute Yin Yoga from YouTube videos (free) to stretch and relieve tension and deeply move my shoulders, neck, hips and spine. These are areas where so many of us hold tension. Try to move with the quality of a yawn or early morning stretch. the goal of mindfulness is for one to focus on the present moment with a “quiet mind”.

At the end of the video, I let myself rest in gravity. This type of active rest allows me to feel a grounding sensation in my body. I take advantage of this “floating” feeling in my head to engage in a 10 minute guided meditation to set intentions for my day. I see it as a way to center myself and relax my mind, without a religious connection. There are literally thousands of videos available for free on YouTube for this as well. In less than an hour, I’ve centered myself physically and mentally before starting my day.

Over time, I can’t say enough about the benefits this brings to your life. It has brought me many positive effects -from health benefits to my outlook on life and a general sense of well-being. Recent studies have shown that practicing meditation daily can even help slow down unwanted side effects of aging.

The point is to try to move and breathe mindfully for a few minutes every day. It is a small price to pay to give yourself the tools you need to help you live better.

The Power of Inefficiency

 

Some things in life just cannot be rushed…

How blessed are we to have modern technology to make our lives easier? We can do things faster and communicate better so that, in our spare time, we can sit around and binge watch our favorite shows.

No, wait, that can’t be right…

I have to admit, it is really nice to have the convenience of technology in our everyday lives. While it feels like we’ve increased our efficiency, I wonder if we have actually gotten more time back and, if so, how are we spending that time? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for progress — self-driving cars, groceries delivered right to our doors, ordering whatever we want, whenever we want with the touch of a button- almost like magic.

It’s amazing that technology can accommodate those who need that extra help. But I wonder if I need that much convenience in my life. And am I willing to work more to afford that life of luxury and comfort? I’m grateful to even have this choice.

What I’m trying to say is that there are some things in life that just cannot be rushed and sometimes the technology that’s supposed to be helping our lives sometimes feels like it’s taking away something much more valuable from us.

This is why the slow living movement really opened my eyes. My idea of luxury isn’t to live a comfortable life where things are just done for me. I want to be fully present for every moment — even if it takes more time and effort.

I think life would be quite dull and meaningless if we outsourced everything and things were just done for us. This is why I’ve implemented some slow living habits that might be more inefficient but provide more value and meaning into my life.

I look forward to going to the farmer’s market or grocery store. It’s not about picking out the meals for the week or getting the best deals. If I’m at the farmers market, it’s about the experience of it all — seeing the artists and their craft, listening to all the interesting stories, being inspired by how passionate people are about their plants, even about banana bread. While it’s not the most efficient way of doing groceries, it’s all about the experience. That, to me, counts for something. Instead of rushing to the things I must do, like my daily chores and errands that I have to run, my routines.

I hope that I never forget to enjoy the experience because these simple moments in between the big ones are what make up the majority of our days.

I have to admit — I used to be the person who would speed up the audio on my audiobook. I thought that reading meant I had to read the book from front to back. I just ended up with a long list of books I would completely forget the moment I finished them. I think we all seek instant gratification and I’m also guilty of this. No matter how fast I want to jump to the conclusion, I learned that some things take time for us to fully understand, to grasp the meaning and for us to grow. Creating a piece of art, a sincere conversation with a friend, learning something new, healing from a past — these are things we simply cannot press fast-forward on.

Sometimes it’s not even about the ending but the process itself. I’ve decided it’s better to dive deep while I can and give myself all the time I need without even thinking about the finish line.

I completely understand that efficiency is crucial for busy people. But solely depending on it can take the meaning out of the things that we do. I used to enjoy looking for the right gift for the person that I loved and seeing their face light up with joy. But life got busy so it was much easier to just buy a gift than to make something or take the time to write a heartfelt letter . That’s when the idea of ordering something online and having it delivered right to their door sounded like a great idea — but it never had the same sentiment.

When did relationships get so transactional? Was I too busy for the people that I loved? If so, what was I valuing more?

Something that takes time, effort and heart cannot be replicated or substituted. I’ve decided I never want to be too busy to give a piece of myself to the people that I love. Even with all the technological advancements, the greatest gift that we can still give to each other is our time, attention and our love.

When living a fast-paced life, relaxing feels like coming to a sudden stop on a running treadmill. With that free time, we could be working on our next project, planning our next move, or catching up on whatever we’re falling behind on. But I’ve always wondered how long that would be sustainable. Probably until we hit a wall and feel burnt out. Taking the time to relax and rest cannot be rushed and it’s not a sign of weakness or laziness but vital for our well being.

We can schedule a spa day, listen to a meditation app, buy all the tools to help us relax, but if we can’t learn to slow down our minds and give ourselves some breathing space, there would be no point in just going through the motions.

My favorite way to relax is reading a book, taking the time to do my nightly skincare routine, watching a movie or video while I do things around the house or taking a random nap on a Sunday afternoon after a brisk hike or bike ride. It doesn’t take much but it’s more about giving myself the permission to relax and recharge.

Any machine can perform a task more accurately and efficiently than we can. But is perfectionism really the ultimate goal? If we don’t make any mistakes, how are we ever grow and mold into a better version of ourselves?

I’ve decided that I want my efforts to go into trying and becoming better along the way. I’ve always defined myself by my progress more than my accomplishments.

I feel like the less I depend on technology, the more I depend on myself. Before GPS, how did I ever travel? Before having recipes at my fingertips, how did I ever cook? Before I had my phone, how did I do anything? Sure, it’s nice to have the help sometimes but I’ve noticed that, while technology can add comfort and luxury into our lives, it cannot truly replace the fundamental things.

In society’s eyes, I may be inefficient or it may look like I’m not keeping up with the modern times. But I think there are things in life worth taking time for. There’s more to life than just being efficient and getting things done. There’s more to me than just being a productive machine.

It seems that my whole life I’ve been rushing from one task to the next but I’ve ended up exactly where I’m supposed to be — not a single day ahead or a single day behind. I no longer care about finishing 50 books by the end of the year or seeing how much I can check off my to-do list in a day. In the bigger picture, what value does that really bring into my life?

At the end of the day, I want to know that I still find purpose in the work that I do. I want to know that I helped someone or I felt inspired in some way. And if all else fails, I want to know that at least I had some fun along the way. These are the values I want to live my life by.

It may require me to take the longer path and that’s ok.

Seinfeld is back - and it's a big deal!

 

Society has changed a lot since Seinfeld’s heyday…

I was ecstatic to hear Seinfeld was on Netflix! And yes, I too am watching it and revisiting the familiar characters and the comedic flair of a 30 -year-old show about nothing.

I was more than a little surprised that Netflix acquired the exclusive streaming rights to the show from was it reportedly more than half a billion dollars and began hosting it in October.

I’m thoroughly enjoying its single half-hour episodes sometimes almost playing in the background while I prepare dinner do stuff around the house.

While Co-creator Larry David has continued to explore the same comedy mode in his HBO series, Curb Your Enthusiasm, that premiered in 1999, I never became a fan as much as I was of Seinfeld. Experts in the network television industry state that shows like Seinfeld, as well as Friends, The Office, and The Big Bang Theory, have had staggering streaming-rights acquisition deals over the last few years. These shows are said to be “a carefully calibrated unit of content designed to go down as easy as possible.”

I always thought of Seinfeld as a state of mind and not just a sitcom. To this day, it doesn’t fail to put me in a “Seinfeld mood” in my own life. I’ve been quoting some of the antics from the show long after it aired its final episode. It was a show that invited us to participate in the terminology of the characters (shrinkage, the Jesus Freak, the High Talker, etc.). I still find myself quoting it 30 years later.

These days when I watch Seinfeld, I realize that I’m confronting my age. It takes me back to the days of NBC’s Must See TV — definitely a “must see” in our house. I remember how it made everyone mad when the series finale aired in 1998 — even the DJ’s on the radio were complaining about it.

Now when I re-watch it, I’m taken back to the decade of the 90’s in which the show was based. In particular, the anxieties that belonged to that decade — answering machines, VCR’s, straight characters confronting queer people (“Not that there’s anything wrong with that!”). Most interestingly for me is that the show communicated the things about humanity we are most ashamed to acknowledge. A lot of it was about shame, which is a social emotion that requires other people to function.

Personally, I’m delighted to see Seinfeld now on Netflix, and that others are watching it too. Perhaps even those who didn’t watch it the first time around.

The Pleasures (and Struggles) of Thriving Solo

It’s time to level the playing field…

I recently found out that marriage rates are at a record low and that the number of adults without partners has been rising at a steady rate. However, American society still considers the adult as one with a partner and the standard household as multiple people.

According to the latest count of the Census Bureau, there are about 36 million solo dwellers — making up 28 percent of U.S. households. Even though this trend has been building for decades, single adults living alone still seem to be living in a society that is stacked against them. When it comes to healthcare, work, shopping and housing, it becomes a lot easier if you have a partner or live with family members.

The fact is that each year, more and more single people who live alone are burdened by this.

Just to be clear, those who live alone are not lonely and miserable. According to research, single people are more social than those who have partners.

In her book “How We Live Now: Redefining Home and Family in the 21st Century”, author Bella DePaulo points out some of the pleasures of having your own space: “the privacy, the freedom to arrange your life and your space just the way you want it — you get to decide when to sleep, when to get up, what you eat, when you eat, what you watch on Netflix, how you set the thermostat.”

The downsides of living alone tend to be more on the level of society and not so much on a personal level. Certainly having a partner makes large and small expenses more affordable, from the overhead costs of daily life to utility bills, rent or even a down payment on a house.

A recent study pointed out that, for a couple, living separately is about 28 percent more costly than living together.

Many managers in the workplace presume an employee who lives alone has extra time to stay at the office or take on extra projects simply because they don’t have a family to go home to. Some are not even compensated fairly because managers give raises based on the assumption that an employee with a family has more expenses for child care, etc.

This means that if many workers who live alone end up making less money, they face less favorable pricing options than other shoppers. Buying food in larger quantities at the grocery store is cheaper but people who live alone normally will not consume perishable items quickly enough.

I wish more stores would let me buy only as much of an item as I please, instead of forcing me to buy large package sizes. Even in the case of paper towels or toilet paper that don’t spoil, I don’t have space to stockpile.

There are communities where single residents get to have their own spaces with expansive shared areas where they can run into other people. If you were to need help moving heavy furniture or need a ride somewhere in an emergency, a neighbor is easy to reach. We need more options like this to make solo living easier.

I strongly believe that if housing, health care and education weren’t so expensive, more people would thrive for the joys of living solo.

The Art of Kind Conversation

 

We need to be cautiously aware of the words we use in our communication.

I am amazed at the uncontrolled and selfish conversing I see and hear everywhere lately. In these turbulent times, I see and hear harsh opinions on TV, social media, and restaurants. Have people forgotten “It’s just your opinion”? Just because you have an opinion doesn’t mean you are ‘right’ and the other person is ‘wrong’. It’s just your opinion. We all have a right to voice our opinions but not to insult or antagonize others with it.

These days, a lot of us have hundreds and thousands of ‘friends’ on social media that we don’t even know personally. Remember, all those friends have their opinions, too. Also, let’s not forget that communication includes tone of voice, body language and facial expressions that cannot be used when texting or posting.

Have you been unfriended or unfollowed? Do you do that to others? I know family members who have done that with each other. This would mean they are disengaging from an environment that was built to connect us. I do it when it’s obvious that certain people have not learned the skill of kind conversation.

If you feel strongly about an issue, you can get support for it by joining social media groups that support your opinion. There you can openly voice your beliefs and support others. You can even create your own group!

If you prefer to do this face to face, you can join or create your own Meetup.com group. This is a platform that allows people a way to meet locally or online to discuss interests, passions and opinions for varied purposes.

It’s important to consider the source of your opinions. Where does your opinion come from? Did you inherit it from your parents or through religion? Are you clear on the facts behind your opinion? Would you be able to argue it if you were challenged?

Consider challenging yourself from time to time to determine how deeply your opinion is rooted and if you have an open mind for discussion when you are face-to-face with someone. Our opinions can sometimes be changed or modified — even yours!

You can open yourself up for alternative options from the privacy of your home. You can read controversial articles or turn on the TV to an opposing channel and listen with an open mind. You can turn on YouTube and watch videos that declare a different opinion than yours.

Documentaries are a great way to do this because they are based on facts. They can make you aware of things you were not aware of before watching the video. You can have alternatives to your thinking instead of ‘black and white’, ‘right or wrong’.

Labeling tends to create division instead of togetherness. Why do we use terms like conservative, liberal, left wing, right wing? How about the labeling of races… aren’t we just all human beings?

We need to be more cautiously aware of the words we use in our communication.

If someone wants to push their opinion on you, you can leave a confrontation decisively and calmly. You can delay the conversation and state: “This is not the time or place for this conversation. Can we pick it up later when I’m more prepared to answer?”

You can also respond by saying “I appreciate you sharing your opinion. You have the right to yours as I have the right to mine. Your friendship is more important than our differences”. You can even add, “Let’s go to dinner, watch the game, get a coffee.”

It’s important to remember that relationships are much more important than opinions. Life would be short and sad if, at the end of the day, you are sitting all by yourself tightly surrounded by your opinion.